Our Church is currently in a series called ASK ANYTHING, where we invite people to submit questions about literally anything. We've found this to be an effective way to engage people with the scriptures and to allow space for people to wrestle with their doubts, curiosities, and struggles in an open and welcoming environment. The goal is not to just merely give people answers (most of the time, I don't feel like I can!) but also to equip people with the tools they need to wrestle with the Word and navigate the tension that comes with our faith and our understanding.

This past Sunday Jill and I kicked off the first round by responding to relationship questions. Everything from, "When should I allow my kid to start dating?" to "Is violence ever the answer?" and even,"Is porn addiction Biblical grounds for divorce?" We endearingly titled Sunday's message Dating, Mating, & Relating.

THE WORD

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” - John 13:35

It's no surprise that anytime we invite people to submit questions, a large portion of them revolve around relationships. Much of our lives come down to our relationships with others. How we relate to God is on display in how we relate to one another. The Bible is full of instructions, commands, and guidance on how we should operate in our relationships with people. So, here are just a few more great questions we've received that I'll try my best to respond to:

1. HOW DO I FIND A GODLY SPOUSE?

We failed to answer this one Sunday and I wanted to take the time to respond to it now because I think there is a vital need for the Church to wake up to this scenario playing out in our gatherings.

Research is showing that Gen Z is fast becoming Jesus-curious and religious. This has resulted in an influx of young 20-somethings visiting churches with a few questions in the back of their mind:

• What does it really look like to follow Jesus?

• How do I know I can trust the Bible?

• Can I find a spouse here?

Obviously as seasoned believers we would like to spend all of our time on the first two and credit the third as something of an afterthought. But if the Church doesn't recognize a growing need to entertain that third question, we're going to find the same patterns repeating in the coming generations as the previous ones: young adults come to Church, everyone is married, and the message tends to be, "You should be married" yet there's nothing that helps them navigate the season of singleness and dating. So, they go to the bar, they hit up the clubs, and they swipe on Tinder.

I'd like to say, "You should find your spouse at Church!" While that does happen quite often, I'm aware it's not that easy. I'm not against online dating or other new forms of networking that many are exploring these days, but here is my only caution: If you truly want to find a godly person, go where godly people are and stop going where godly people are not.

1 John 1:7 says, "...if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin." How interesting is it that our decision to live according to His ways doesn't just result in being purified but also in being connected to other believers? Walk in the light and you'll have... fellowship? Seems like a misprint. But it's actually a powerful promise to those who feel alone in their search for like-minded friends and relationships.

In your season of singleness and searching, I encourage you to cling to this promise and order your life according to it. Focus your attention and your effort on living according to His ways and expect Him to bring the right people into your life. I'm aware there is a measure of responsibility we must take in pursuing relationships, but I would advise you to commit yourself to walking in the light to such a degree that you can clearly discern God's voice and direction. In other words, get to the place where you can sense when God is talking to you about YOU. Then you will feel confident enough to know where and how you should look for the right person to marry.

2. SHOULD WE REFER TO OTHERS USING THEIR PREFERRED PRONOUNS?

This question came in after Sunday's service so, unfortunately, you won't have the privilege of watching me sweat a river out of both armpits while I attempt to answer this. 😅

I don't mean to insinuate that I'm not confident in what is right here. I'm just cautious to answer questions like this with unnecessary boldness and grit. I believe in speaking what is true and I believe what makes the human language so powerful is that we assign objective definitions to words that enable us to understand one another. For that reason, I would say we should not alter our language in order to accommodate the feelings of a small demographic, no matter how passionate that demographic may be.

Here's why I'm not super heavy-handed in my response though: we're talking about people made in the image of God who are hurting. At the very least, they are broken because we all are and I think that's integral to keep in mind when we're talking about these kinds of situations. It's easy to speak broadly about a group or a movement but this is a very personal situation many will find themselves in (interacting with someone who thinks vastly different from you).

In a personal relationship with someone living out a transgendered expression, where I am sharing the gospel and the love of Jesus with them, there's likely a period in which I'm willing to call them what they prefer out of respect and kindness for their perspective. However, I would be obligated by the Word of God to share with them why I couldn't continue to refer to them as such because of my conviction to affirm not their feelings but their biology and the way God created them.

If there's a willingness to be respectful on both sides, this is how it would play out: You want me to respect you by using your preferred pronouns, but I want you to respect me by not forcing me to use language that my faith informs me is deceptive and untrue. We both have deeply held convictions and therefore we must both come to the understanding as to why we won't be able to land on middle ground there, not out of disrespect for the other but out of respect for our own deeply held beliefs.

Psalm 139 says we are "fearfully and wonderfully" made by the creator. I find it interesting that trans-ideology so quickly affirms being in the wrong body but never entertains the idea of having the wrong feelings or thoughts. If how you feel and what you look like are not aligned, why is it always the feelings that are affirmed and never the body?

That being said, I hope you sense the gentleness in my tone. I stand firm on what the Bible says about sex and gender, however, that doesn't give us a green light to treat people rudely. Ultimately, I think it's destructive to them and to the human language to start reassigning meaning to words, so I'm not on the pronoun train, but I will always attempt to assess a person's needs in order for them to hear the truth in love.

By the way, this may be a super unpopular opinion, but most of the time when someone tells you their pronouns, it's not very useful. If I'm talking to you, I have no use for your pronouns because I'm addressing you in the second person. The only time you use pronouns is when you're addressing someone in the third person and to do that I would have to be talking about you to someone else. That said, proceed with the truth in love folks.

3. HOW DO WE HANDLE NARCISSISTS?

Narcissism has certainly made its way to the top of the list of trendy words/phrases these days, along with the likes of gaslighting and "no cap"! We received multiple questions revolving around how to relate to people who display narcissistic behavior.

I feel I bring a wealth of knowledge to this subject, given that I took Latin in High School and learned about the fabled tale of Narcissus. Obsessed with his own appearance, he lived out his days gazing at his reflection in a pool of water until his eventual demise. Thus, the roots of the psychological term "narcissism." Unfortunately, that's where my superior knowledge ends.

But a quick google search will tell you narcissism is defined as a cognitive behavioral disorder in which someone displays an excessive amount of interest in themselves, resulting in a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. It may be a trendy word, but it means something specific and frankly it refers to a mental disorder. Needless to say, I don't think we serve ourselves or others well when we use trendy words.

Not everyone who is self-centered is a narcissist. As a matter of fact, the gospel confronts us with the reality that we are ALL self-centered which is why Jesus commands that we "deny ourselves." Is it possible that you have someone in your life who is a full-blown, clinically diagnosed narcissist? Certainly, but not likely.

You can make a pretty good argument that the Bible is full of narcissists who needed to encounter Jesus in order to be set free from their selfish ways. Namaan was a powerful commander who scoffed at the idea of dipping in the Jordan River to be healed of his leprosy. Once he did, he was set free from his sickness and his selfishness. The disciples regularly argued about which of them would be considered the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven. It's crazy to me they said stuff like that out loud, let alone to the Savior of the world! Acts shows us that Paul was extremely zealous in his pharisaism, persecuting the Church and partaking in the genocide of early Christians, until He encountered Jesus in the middle of the road.

So, the real question is, how should we deal with self-centered people? I would say the same way that Jesus dealt with us. The best way to "handle" or love self-centered people is to recognize our own tendency to be self-centered and our total need for the grace of God to turn us away from it. Love them, see past their flaws, hold them as valuable and made in the image of God, and speak what is true to them. Ask God to reveal to you what He loves about them and choose to partner with Him in His pursuit of their heart.

This doesn't excuse abuse or neglect. I, in no way, want to imply that you should be inactive where there is mistreatment taking place. Barring severe circumstances, what we are most likely to come up against on a daily basis is our own sin nature and that of those around us, so we must see it for what it is: an opportunity to choose Christ over flesh.

CONCLUSION

Hopefully this brings clarity to someone in some way. Whether you're wrestling with questions or dialoguing with loved ones who are, I invite you to submit your questions at Breezewoodchurch.org/ask as we continue our series for a few more weeks and tackle them each week in our Sunday services. I will attempt to continue answering a few here on my blog as well. If we can't come to the Bible with questions, we won't come to the Bible for answers!