I had a "best" friend in the second grade who told me every day at lunch that if I didn't give him my Jell-O he wouldn't be my friend anymore. So, I spent all of second grade Jell-O-less, but not friend-less... at least in my mind anyway. It never dawned on me that a real friend wouldn't make me choose between him and my Jell-O.

Few things in life should require an ultimatum. As a matter of fact, by definition an ultimatum is "the final demand before a breakdown in relations." Recently there's been a lot of disagreement within the Church about how to address the assassination of Charlie Kirk. Should he be memorialized as a martyr or remembered as a fascist? The intent of my blog this week is not to expound on that, mostly because I think all you have to do is actually go and listen to several of his clips, in context, to make that decision for yourself.

But there's another discussion happening online, not just about the responsibility of leaders to land one way or the other, but also the responsibility of Church members to leave if leaders don't handle it a certain way. Let me say this upfront: I talked about the assassination from the platform, I spoke from Scripture, I wrote on the subject of forgiveness surrounding this topic last week, and led discussions with my team on how we felt it was best to navigate the conversation and lead our Church. I did the same thing with my platform during the George Floyd tragedy. I recognize some won't like it when I do, and I'm at peace with that. For the record, I advocate for pastors speaking into culture. However, I will not pile on against those who have chosen to respond differently for various reasons.

I don’t believe every pastor has to handle these things the same way. I'm accountable to God for how I handle them in my local congregation. I value diversity of thought and believe that is what makes the Church strong. Unity does not mean uniformity. Outside of the essential doctrines of the faith, we don’t have to agree on everything or see everything the same way. Even the apostles of the early Church had disagreements (see Acts 15:36–41, for example) and still maintained a view of one another as brothers and sisters in the family of God.

Should you leave your Church if they didn't handle this situation the way you felt they should have? It's a loaded question and one I've given a lot of consideration to over the past week as I've seen many expressing strong opinions online. But I felt it would be unhelpful to write solely about this particular situation because the reality is, another one will likely happen before long. It happened during Covid, various wars, the BLM protests, elections, and it will continue to happen with the next big event. So, instead, I want to reflect on what normative practices should be in place before we choose to up-and-leave a local Church. I will share my personal opinion in the conclusion on whether or not your Church's stance on Charlie Kirk's murder is worth leaving over, but first here are:

4 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Leaving Your Church

1. Am I leaving because God told me to?

God chooses your Church. If you choose your Church instead of letting God choose your Church, you will get it wrong. You'll look for the wrong things, stay for the wrong benefits, and leave for the wrong reasons. Obviously, many people aren't aware of this when they're starting out in their relationship with God, and most often, the Church you're saved in is the Church you should be discipled in. But spiritual maturity teaches us that God knows what is best for our lives in every aspect and we should seek His will in every decision.

Ephesians 5:10 bids us to “find out what pleases the Lord.” That assumes a couple of things: first, that God's will is not always clear or known, and second, that it is searchable. We can know and operate according to the will of God, as well as operate outside of it. It should be second nature for believers to seek the Lord in all things and ask what He wants. This is what distinguishes us from the world. God chooses our jobs, our spouses, our entertainment, so of course He should choose our Church.

1 Corinthians says the Lord sets the members in the body exactly how He wants them. Of course, that means globally, but I believe it's also true locally. I tell people coming into our Church all the time, we want you where God wants you! I want what's best for you and we may not be the best house for you. God not only knows what we need in a Church but also what a Church needs in us. Every person has unique gifts and God-given abilities. If we allow Him to place us where He wants us, we will be in the right place, with the right gifts, for the right purpose. Before you uproot and leave, have you asked God what He wants?

2. Am I leaving with realistic expectations?

Because we live in the age of the internet it is now easier than ever to compare your pastor or your “Church experience” to that of thousands of other churches you see online. These days pastors are expected to preach mind-blowing sermons each week while also visiting everyone when they're sick, leading a staff, managing the budget, laying out vision, and being accountable to every person on the member roll.

Whether you're looking for a Philip Anthony Mitchell, Furtick, Jakes, or John Piper, you're likely not going to find a world-class communicator and dynamic leader within driving distance of your town or city. And even if you do, it will only be a detriment to you if you attend their Church without the Lord calling you there. Some want a CEO, others want a celebrity, and still many just simply want a shepherd, obedient to the call of God to lead a flock.

Pastors lead differently. Just like every believer has a different gift set, so do pastors in the way that they lead their churches. Before you leave, evaluate how realistic your expectations are. I believe pastors should be held to a high standard—in fact, the Bible commands that they be. But the standard is what the Word calls for, not what the world values.

Today we are tempted to bring a consumer mentality into Church. In the same way that we have come to expect businesses to cater to our needs in order to win our loyalty, we often expect churches to do the same. We come looking for how the Church can best meet our needs and live up to our standards. We look for sermons to be entertaining and worship to be top-notch. But the Bible tells us the Word of God is useful for “teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training” (2 Timothy 3:16). That means Church is not meant to solely be a place where we are comfortable and catered to.

3. Am I leaving offended?

I cut out a root in my backyard one time. My father-in-law suggested I do so because it looked like it would eventually grow toward the foundation of my house. Sure enough, he was right. That root had grown all the way alongside the foundation and would likely have caused major damage if I hadn't pulled it up when I did.

Hebrews compares bitterness to a root. The thing about roots is they grow unseen. You don't know they're there until they resurface and cause damage. Offense is a trap set by the enemy. When you leave a Church offended, you bring your offense with you.

I often meet people who come through our Church with a string of offenses and destruction behind them from all the previous congregations they have left out of bitterness. The thing about offense is it doesn't just stay in your heart; it clouds your vision. When you've been hurt by someone in the past, you tend to look for everyone in your future to do the same thing. When you see life through the lens of bitterness, you'll see judgment, hurt, and religion where it doesn't even exist.

Part of the membership course here at our Church is to ask people if they are coming from another Church, and if so, to share if their exit was a healthy one. We've learned it causes too much trouble to not know. Running away when you're hurt doesn't address your hurt. It doesn't mean you should always stay where you've been hurt, but it does mean that healing might need to happen before you leave.

I'm aware that sometimes healing comes by way of finding a new place. However, many times it's not a change of Church that's needed, but rather a change of heart.

4. Am I leaving in honor?

Being a part of a local body is not just about connection; it's also about covering. To be a member of a congregation is to submit to the leadership of that house. I'm aware that words like “obey” and “submission” come with a lot of negative connotations. We've all heard the horror stories of Church leaders who become power-hungry and abusive toward those they lead.

But we can't make the Bible say something different simply because some misuse their position of authority. The Bible tells us that leaders will have to answer to God for the way they lead. James 3 says not many should want to be teachers because those who teach will be judged more strictly by God.

Years ago, I had a wild dream where a huge boar had me pinned up against a fence right outside of our Church building. In the dream Pastor Bill, my lead pastor at the time, came running and pushed himself between the boar and me. The boar latched onto his arm as he began to contend with it, yelling for me to run and take cover. When I woke up, I asked the Lord what the dream was about, and He immediately spoke to my heart: “Your pastor fights things on your behalf you don't even know about!”

I can honestly say now as a lead pastor myself, not only is that true, but we also fight things on behalf of others we don't know about either. There are times Jill and I wrestle with thoughts, ailments, or spiritual attacks before realizing it's connected to people that we shepherd.

If you're looking for a Church, go where you're covered, not coddled. Look for a shepherd—not just a leader. Shepherds feed the sheep and kill the wolves. If you're leaving a Church, understand you're coming out from under someone's covering and the least you can do is inform them. People come and go all the time, but if you made a Church your home and submitted to leadership for a season, you need to honor your leadership by letting them know the Lord is leading you elsewhere.

Conclusion

Should you leave your Church if they didn't address Charlie Kirk's murder? My initial response would be: absolutely not. There are many reasons behind why a Pastor may not have tackled this conversation the way you felt they should have. At the very least you owe it to them to understand why first. I know amazing, God-fearing, Bible-teaching Churches who didn't address it, as well as amazing, God-fearing, Bible-teaching Churches who did.

Don't choose your Church based on how they handle a cultural issue. Choose your Church based on how they handle the Word of God.

That being said, cultural moments like this one seem to bring to light a pattern in Churches of avoiding strong biblical truth in order to accommodate the world's sentiments. If your Church is sliding further and further into compromised, progressively secular ideology, you need to find a new Church.

But if your Church handles the Word with the fear of the Lord and they fumbled on this one cultural event, that is not a reason to break with the body God has placed you in. Give your Pastors grace to make mistakes and room to grow as leaders. Leading a Church has never been easy, and it's certainly not easy in such a divisive and hostile cultural climate. Let's exercise compassion.