Why Our 11th Year of Marriage Was a Special One

Yes, the picture above is actually Jill and I, and yes I wore a "tux and chucks" on my wedding day. Red chucks at that. We tied the knot on June 9th, back in 2012, fresh out of college, and ready to spend the rest of our lives together, bright shoes and all.

As I'm easing back into the routine of writing a blog weekly, I decided I'd start with something fairly simple yet deeply personal. It's been a busy three months to say the least. I helped oversee a Summer School of Ministry, had the opportunity to minister at a youth and young adult conference in the Czech Republic, and officially stepped into the role of Lead Pastor at Breezewood, completing a year-and-a-half long transition. But not to be overlooked is the fact that, in June, Jill and I celebrated our 11th year anniversary. What in the world could be so significant about year 11? Well, this is as close to a cliffhanger as I can give you.

THE WORD

"If the LORD had not been on our side— let Israel say— if the LORD had not been on our side when people attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive when their anger flared against us; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away."

Psalm 124:1-5

My dad jokingly says that he and my mom have been happily married for 41 years. He then says, "We've actually been married for 43 but every few days I'm upset about something and every few days she's upset about something, so if you add up all those days, that probably equates to a couple of unhappy years." Cue the laugh track. That's Ralph Kelley, always bringing the wit.

And even though Jill and I have only been married a fourth as long as my parents, I totally get it. Marriage is a summation of ups and downs, trial and error, beauty and adversity. Out of the tension of all of those things comes a weathered, tested, and proven love for one another that looks most similar to the love Jesus has for His Church. And this love only comes by way of time and tribulation. A love that is UNTESTED is a love that should be UNTRUSTED.

People often ask us what has been the most difficult season within our marriage, and we've always agreed that it was our very first year together.

YEAR ONE

Our wedding took place one month after Jill graduated college (I had graduated the year before). I had just moved to Fayetteville from Charlotte to come on staff at Breezewood and Jill was moving from Wilmington to join me in a life of ministry. But not just any ministry... YOUTH ministry. And not just ANY youth ministry. The kind of youth ministry where you live across the street from the church and everyone knows where you live so kids want to come and visit, pop in, hang out, or just drive by slowly to see what you're doing. The kind of youth ministry that grows with rowdy kids, worldly kids, scary kids, kids that bring in all of their baggage and kids that humble you and make you grateful for the life you've had because of what they're in. THAT kind of youth ministry.

And while Jill and I were certain of our calling into the ministry, we really had NO framework for what working in the ministry looked like. Neither of us grew up in ministry homes, though both our families were very active in the church, and my grandfather was a pastor. We just didn't have any firsthand experience as to what our lives should look like, let alone our MARRIAGE.

Our first year together was marked by transition. We were in a new town with new jobs, embarking on a new way of life. We had never even lived in the same city the entire time we dated! Much of our difficulty came in wrestling with who we were as individuals and who we were as a unit. If she was a teacher and I was a youth pastor, does that mean she's in the ministry too? How do we do ministry together? How do you put healthy boundaries in place to protect your marriage from the ministry? If ministry is my "job" how do I stop working in order to start resting?

Now I want to be clear, we were taken care of EXTREMELY well by our church family and spiritual leaders. That must be obvious, considering that we're still here 12 years later! But being young and in "upfront" ministry, we naturally isolated many of our struggles, both internal and in-marriage, from those around us because we didn't want people to think we were failing. The truth is, we didn't even know it was a difficult year because we had nothing to compare it to.

I recall several intense conversations as we tried to go running together on the roads behind our house. I think that's why Jill got so good at running; the angrier I made her, the faster she ran to get away from me! I also recall a time in particular when we went out of town for the day to enjoy a date, during which everything went wrong. Plans fell through, our food was horrible, it was a miserable trip. On the drive back to Fayetteville, with tempers flaring and hearts inwardly aching, we began to argue, mostly about the pressure we were subconsciously putting on ourselves. I will never forget in the heat of a moment, through tears, Jill saying, "I just want to go home."

My heart sank, I panicked, asking over and over, "Home as in where?" I didn't know if she meant back to our house, or back to where she grew up... like home home. Though she clarified that it was Fayetteville, it was an eye-opening moment for me.

Needless to say we made it through that year, we found our rhythm, and little by little we received our identities not just as individuals but as one in Christ. We relied on Him and He came through for us.

WHY YEAR 11 IS SIGNIFICANT

In 2022 we celebrated a DECADE of marriage! We left the kids in good hands and flew out to the mountains of Wyoming to hike for a few days and enjoy being with each other. The landscapes were breath-taking and our conversations were joy-filled as well as hilarious (I just can't help it, it's a gift). But despite the beauty surrounding us we knew when we returned home we were once again staring down a daunting season of transition.

After a few years of staying home with the kids or working part-time, Jill was going to head back into full-time teaching. I, on the other hand, had just concluded my sixth and final year of teaching, a job I had fallen in love with. We were also neck deep in releasing the youth ministry we had led for eleven years into fresh hands and were beginning to explore what the new role of lead-pastoring would entail.

It was during the next couple of months, after entering our eleventh year together, that I sensed the Lord telling me, "Year eleven is going to be like year one." Immediately I felt a bunch of weight and fear come over me. Only a few times in my life has the Lord told me something, in a cautionary way, that made me tense up but I continued to lean in to what He was revealing to me. I felt in my spirit that year eleven is going to be like year one, but we're more equipped to handle year eleven BECAUSE of year one.

Here's the reality: As difficult as that first year was, our marriage was built on it. We are who we are because of the difficulties we have been through. I wonder how much more difficult year eleven would have been had we not dug deep and endured year one the way we did?

A TALE OF TWO STORMS

On two different occasions in the gospels we find the disciples in a boat enduring an intense storm. For fishermen you'd think they would be able to avoid these kind of situations. Nonetheless we discover both stories to hold a treasure-trove of nuggets about how we can endure the storms of life and trust Jesus in the process.

Jesus almost sleeps through the first one (Matt. 8, Mark 4, Luke 8, John 6). It's not until the disciples reach the point of absolute TERROR that they shake Him awake and He calms the storm. But not without rebuking them for having such little faith.

Now, I don't want to put words in Jesus' mouth and I certainly don't want to give the illusion that I some how know definitively what Jesus was thinking in that moment. But my best guess would be that He wasn't expecting them to have faith to EXTINGUISH the storm, but rather to ENDURE it.

The fact that Jesus was present on the boat, and even ASLEEP, should have been hint enough that they would be ok. His presence is His protection. But rather than embracing the storm and placing their faith in His nearness, they wanted out. They begged Him to make it stop. So He did. Sadly, I think we too often pray these kind of prayers as well. Rather than asking God to reveal His purpose in the storm and to make Himself known in the midst of it, we request to avoid it all together. And the scary thing is, I think there are times that God honors that request out of His permissive will but not His perfect will.

So, when the storm dissipates, the winds die down, and the waves become still, it seems like such a relief. Everything is back to normal, life can go on, and we find comfort in setting our foot on dry ground again. That is, until the next storm comes.

In the second storm Jesus isn't sleeping. In fact, He's not in the boat at all (Matt. 14, Mark 6, John 6). This time Jesus can be found strolling on top of the waves as they roar and foam, and it's the disciples who are now being called to wake up out of their slumber. No, they're not being shaken from physical sleep, but rather spiritual apathy. At Peter's request, Jesus invites them to come walk on the waves with Him and they're having to find the faith to even believe it's Jesus standing before them.

I often wonder if the disciples had ENDURED the first storm, would they have been able to ENJOY the second one? What if the first storm came for the purpose of testing their faith and the second was the chance to exercise it?

Here's what I'm getting at: how you handle your current season, your current struggle, or your current situation, is going to lay a foundation for how you will walk through the seasons, struggles, and situations to come.

CONCLUSION

Jill and I are currently working on year 12. Our marriage isn't perfect. She still runs away from me sometimes, but I'm getting faster! We're thankful for every good year, difficult year, and every year in between because we know the Lord is ordering our steps.

If I'm honest, I often hesitate to write about or speak on marriage because I know so many amazing couples who have been together far longer and who walk in so much more experience. But I know that part of our journey in allowing God to identify us together has been to always be real and authentic, not only with each other, but also with the people we love and lead.

Maybe you currently find yourself in a difficult year or season. I can't tell you what God's plans or purposes are for you on the other side of this but I can definitively tell you that He has them. Let this messy season be what you build on for years to come. Know that you can make it through what you're going through because of what you've been through.

After eleven years of marriage I guess I can officially tell people, I've been happily married for ten years now (wink).